Mosh and the Moo Moo

First, I want to extend a heartfelt thanks to E. for the invitation to write here this week. I love to tell stories, and I think this will be a phenomenal forum in which to practice my craft! E. has always enjoyed my stories, and I only hope I can live up to her expectations here. Her favorite phrase whenever I’m around is usually “divide by five” – a reference to my tendency to exaggerate things just a little bit. I’ll attempt to restrain myself here. My life stories and happenings in daily life are often events that seem ripped out of an Augustin Burroughs novel with a hint of David Sedaris. I hope all of you enjoy them.

Mosh and I have been together for over two years. He and I continually joke about our weight. We are both slender guys, but being in a relationship, you inevitably gain weight. If you don’t, you’re just not normal! Srsly! We’ve both bought into the idea of looking your best at all times. Gay culture in San Francisco dictates in a very not-so-subtle way that if you look good, you get the guys. Those that don’t are….shunned. My aunt calls it “playing the game”. You either win or lose by that first impression of how you look. Pretty appalling, isn’t it? Looking at the collection of fashion sneakers I’ve collected as a result of my impression making, I get appalled, too!

The problem here is that I wasn’t always my not-very-svelte self, and it takes enormous dedication to keep up my mediocre body! In 2004, I graduated college with honors at 285 pounds. In college, I filled myself with KFC, T-Bell, McDonalds, Pizza, and Tequila. Nightly. Repeat 365 days a year. I’m sure E. can write a post regarding our escapades, but we’ll just say they usually involved a combination of liquor, food, yelling at men with rat tails, nicknames for the people on our hall, caution tape headbands and haute couture. I ultimately graduated with no idea of how big I had become, and headed off on the Peace Corps in northern China to teach English on the banks on the Yellow River. I was in awe of my surroundings, and terrified of my inability to communicate. Calling on my old eating habits, I rapidly learned the terms for my favorite traditional Chinese dishes and ate. I would sit in my apartment and secretly eat several boxes of Ramen noodles whose labels were covered in strange characters. I stocked my fridge with sweet Chinese cola, and would head out to the streets to eat more. It looked as though I was going to be content being a fat ass white boy in a sea of tiny Chinese people….Until I got a tapeworm!! It’s such a wonderful diet I want to go back and get another one! I lost 90 pounds in a couple of months, and then the Chinese found out I was gay and I had to bounce.

Now, this weight loss was a complete miracle! Back in the U.S., I got down to 165 pounds, at which point, E. began calling me “Somalian Chic”. Nowadays, I’m a little heavier, but not in the way of filling out my old stretch marks again, thank god! However, we’re going on this little trip this month to a little gay oasis in California called “Palm Springs”. It’s the kinda place for gay guys who are living like gold when they’re really bronze. Not really, but I just like that expression! We’re staying at a little men-only “oasis” that is classified as “clothing optional.” Oh my god. When we booked this trip last year, I had convinced myself that I could easily lose 30 pounds and be back to my old sexy self for this baptism by fire into the nudist gay hotel world. Did I mention there’s a steam room? To be honest, I’m at this point in my weight loss where I feel like I need to get a moo moo for this trip. I’m at that point where I made a goal, and now have 12 days to make that goal. 20 pounds does not walk off of your body when you have eating habits that include mixing Campbells Chunky soup with a bag of Lays Potato Chips and Claussen pickles on the side. Of course, Mosh laughs at the idea of him tanning in the sun with me next to him in a moo moo, but he doesn’t know that I’m not joking.

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