I Give Myself Permission

I did not move myself 3,000 miles across the country to live a life that is not my own.

Let me explain. Science, nature, conservation and the pursuit thereof have been the focus of my work and studies since going off to college a decade ago. I am still very passionate about conservation. I still enjoy learning about the ecology of all the organisms we share this planet with. I love those little marine invertebrates most. I am still happiest (as much as you can be) with a day spend outside doing field work. These things will never change.

The problem is, well, the problem is that grad school is sucking the life force straight out of me. Sort of like the dementors in Harry Potter. I have to remind myself that pretty much everyone in my department feels this way. I guess it is just one of those things that everyone goes through. But, as time goes by, I am having a harder time envisioning what life will be like when I finally get that degree at the end of all of this. Of course, when I have that thought, my mind immediately jumps in to say "Yah, but if you didn't stay in this field, what a colossal waste of time this has all been. And, what would you do, anyway?" And these thoughts make me drone on without thinking about the possibilities that lie before me, both within and outside of the field of ecology.

And so lately I have been giving myself permission. Permission to leave the door open. To choose to pursue a career in ecology when I graduate, but also to explore the other paths that lie before me. To take the advice I give others so often. That it is all about the journey. Choosing one path for the simple reason that it is the one I have always been on is no way to live life. Whether I choose to stay the course or not, I want to know that it is because it is what I want most, not because it was what was most reasonable.